Habits Are Not Forever
Learning to worry less about creating 'bad' habits
Good morning, friends
I’ve been reflecting recently on this habit I’ve had of watching Netflix at night while falling asleep. There’s a part of me that feels guilty about it, that I should be doing something different, something intentional, something better. Like, I should be able to fall asleep unassisted—sleep hygiene and all that. Or maybe I should read a book, or write in my journal, or, or, or.
Am I right? Surely you’ve felt this feeling before, whether it's about food or exercising or any of the things you've been told you ‘should' be doing. But, come one. Most of the people I know are incredibly intentional people. Good grief, we can’t possibly have all the ‘good’ habits all the time! This brings me to something I’ve learned to be true of all habits: they are morally neutral, and they change as we do.
What do I mean by that? Well, I just mean that in the grand scheme of things, they are neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad,’ and assigning a polarizing label onto any habit without considering the context in which it exists is overly simplistic. Not only that, they are not actually permanent, and sometimes they change when our health or context or relationships change, or when our needs are being met or not.
I’m not saying that all habits have outcomes that are serving us or the people we love in the long run or are part of a life that’s thriving—but have you ever stopped to consider how your habits, all of them, actually are trying to protect you or serve a noble purpose, even when it may not look that way on the surface? From my experience, and from the stories of those I love, judging ourselves and others for having certain habits really only serves to add shame and fear into the equation, making it harder to listen to what you truly need.
I think those of us who love children focus so hard on doing the ‘right’ things in the moment that it’s hard to see parenting as a dynamic and ever-changing relationship. We are all constantly growing and changing over time: our needs, our abilities, our desires. My 6 year old no longer needs me to change his diapers, feed him with a spoon, or breastfeed him to sleep—as he grew, the ways that I’ve supported him have grown, too. The things he needed from me, all the habits that we cultivated together, changed as we did.
And none of it was ‘good’ or ‘bad’—it just was. Some habits served us more than others, and we learned what worked for our family; then, when it was no longer working, we took the time to make the changes. Not only that, some of the things we did the first time weren't what was needed the second time. Much of the parenting advice I received as a new mom, largely through searching for support online, warned me of the perils of ‘giving in' to my baby, lest I create a child with all these…*gestures vaguely in the air overhead*…bad habits.
I was so afraid of doing the wrong thing that, for a time, I was trying to force my baby to fit into a mold that he never belonged in, one that brought me anxiety and a feeling of not being good enough. Looking back, the pressure I felt from ‘them’ (you know, the people who have all the right answers) was the most stressful part of being a new parent, not my son’s needs.
When I started actually questioning these claims, however, I realized that they really didn’t make a lot of sense. The idea that you are creating a habit for your baby that can never be changed is absurd. We make and break habits constantly throughout our lifetimes.
What’s more, who gets to tell you which habits are serving you and which aren’t? Nobody knows whether breastfeeding to sleep is working for you…expect you; nobody knows whether your baby is hungry…except your baby; nobody knows if cosleeping is actually harming a marriage…except the people in that marriage. And the truth is, some habits work for some people, and some don’t. My experience is not the same as yours.
And that’s okay.
I don’t think most of our actual habits matter much; what does matter is the way we hold space for differences, the way we ask questions, and the way we’re able to make ourselves and others feel safe and seen. I can’t tell you what your family needs to thrive, but I can support you in making decisions that feel right to you.
My friends, we humans are all made up of habits—morally neutral habits. Some habits serve us, some don’t. Some habits help us cope in difficult situations but then need to be changed when we are in a safe place; some habits may be a part of what’s creating our difficult situations; some habits may just be neutral. But the only person who knows whether a habit is helping you or hurting you or your family…is you and your family.
A Process for Reflecting on Habits
What is one habit you or your child has that you either judge yourself for, or fear others will judge you for? (sometimes I judge myself for falling asleep with TV shows on, and I feel judged when I read some article where an expert tells me that it's not good for me)
How might this habit be doing it's best to serve a positive purpose in your life or your child’s life? (when I fall asleep with a show on, usually it's because I have a lot on my mind and find it difficult to wind down to sleep or because I haven't had any time to myself during the day)
How might that habit change if context or health or relationships changed, or if needs were met in a different way? (I might fall asleep more readily at night if I spent some time each day away from my family, brain dumped in my journal, and/or added a regular mindful awareness practice to help ease my thoughts and create more space for myself. Some days I do, some days it's harder)
What do you worry might happen if this habit never changes? Is that worry realistic? (I'm not really sure what I worry about. Maybe that I'll slowly become a person who stops pursuing wellness and hobbies and other life-giving pursuits to watch TV 24/7, which is not uncommon in my family. I'm thinking this isn't a realistic worry, as this is just a busy stage of life where I spend so much of my day investing in my children and my home, which really are life-giving pursuits)
