When My Stubbornness Gets in the Way
It's okay to try something new
Hello friends and readers,
I feel like I'm every adult from my childhood when I say some variation of this, but how did it get to be October already? Declan started Kindergarten and has been sick twice (well, a couple weeks ago he threw up then was fine, but he’s been sniffling and coughing for over a week now this time). For folks who are further along, do you have any tricks to keep your kiddos healthy at the start of the school year?!? We made an immunity probiotic soda but he won’t drink it so I’m at a loss.
As we are making this adjustment and spending more time apart than we ever have before, I’ve noticed a new behaviour from Declan that we’ve never really struggled with: whining. I’ve encountered this in my dayhome many times, of course, but not with Declan. It’s been a little perplexing to me and very hard on my patience; I can’t say that I’ve been able to respond in an empathetic way every time.
When older children in my care (ie. NOT toddlers) have used a whiny voice, I usually found that it helped to ask them to try again in a big voice or strong voice or kind voice. I was always very calm and neutral, and more often than not, the child would be able to restate with a new tone. On the occasion that they couldn’t, I took that as my cue to look further under the surface—frustration, sadness, or even hunger are potential culprits, but I've observed that most often it’s due to a lack of connection. So even though I’ve spent the past few weeks asking Declan to try again, try again, try again, what I’m noticing is that it actually seems to be getting harder and harder for him to use a big, strong, kind voice.
It finally got to the point yesterday that I had to internally pause for a moment—if what I was doing wasn’t working, then why did I keep doing it? If his behaviour is really just a symptom of something deeper, then asking him to try again wasn’t actually helping to address the root of the matter.
Despite the irritation I felt, I took a deep breathe and went over to him. I breathed through the reaction that was rising up in me and instead put my hand on his back and told him, “It sounds like you feel really _____ right now, hey?” I was so focussed on what I needed to do to stay calm and empathetic, I actually don’t remember what I said, but I do know that the look of angst on his face cleared as he replied, “Yes!” When he finally felt like I was understanding him and not just correcting him, we were able to solve the problem as a team.
Being away from us for two full days has been a big adjustment for Declan. Overall, he’s doing an incredible job and his teacher said that he’s just so excited to learn and play, and she’s delighted by his interesting questions. And yet, this transition is still taking a toll on his little heart. It’s okay for him to struggle; hell, it’s okay for me to struggle as well!
We had a conversation recently, after Jason watched a teary-eyed Declan go into class, about how hard it feels to watch our boy navigate difficult terrain. We wouldn’t send him to kindergarten if we didn’t trust that it was a positive environment, but ultimately, there are going to be different challenges for him there that he wouldn’t face with us, and he may let us know he’s having a hard time in very unrefined ways, like whining. In my ever-evolving work, it’s become important to let children come to me as they are, even when their behaviours are unpolished, agitating, frustrating. Building resiliency doesn’t mean that they never have bad days or ‘bad’ behaviours; rather, that we support them through those struggles, big and small, and help them make sense of it.
If I know anything about kids, I know that this won’t be the last time he uses a whiny voice. This will be a start for me, however, to remember to take a deep breathe and try a new approach instead of running into the same brick wall. I have to remind myself that his behaviours are his best attempt to meet an underlying need, and it’s my job to get curious rather than furious.
Even after more than 10 years, I still don’t always know the exact right thing to do when a new situation comes up—I suspect I never really will. Perhaps what I have cultivated, though, is the ability to notice when I keep trying the same strategy and getting the same (unwanted) results, to get curious about what I’m missing, and to cultivate self-compassion by recognizing that it’s okay for me to get it wrong.
If you find yourself being triggered by your child using a whiny voice, here are some things that might be helpful to remember:
A whiny voice is actually a really effective way for our children to get our attention. It is triggering for a lot of us, but it helps to treat it the same way you would treat a cry from a baby—as a signal for a need
When a child is using a whiny voice, they are likely not in their thinking brain, and their words may not match what they really need. Look to their behaviours and think about context for clues as to what they might be communicating (ie. a child may whine that they don’t want to leave the playground, but you know they haven’t eaten in several hours and are starting to act sleepy-silly)
You can empathize with what they are saying while choosing to hold a boundary (ie. It sounds like you are having a great time at the playground, and I’d love to bring you back another day. We do need to go home now, have dinner, and then go to bed. Would you like to choose what song we play on the way home/what book to read before bed/what veggie to have with dinner?)
Empathy requires listening and allowing a child the right to their experience, even if you don’t understand it, feel like they’re being dramatic, or feel like you don’t have time. Open-ended questions and repeating back what they’re telling you without trying to fix it is often enough; you may not always be able to accommodate their preference, but you can always hear what they have to say
For whining that happens occasionally, it can be helpful to ask them to try again in a calm/strong/kind voice. But if, like Declan, the whining is persistent, likely they have a need to be heard, to connect, to express themselves freely and know that you’ll be there to support them even if they aren’t able to ask in a pleasant way
**Updated: I wrote this several weeks ago, and I’m happy to say that connecting with Declan about kindergarten, empathizing with how hard it feels to be away from home, and making sure he gets lots of downtime on kindy days has really helped everyone. I have been approaching the whining voice by both asking him to try again AND doing my best to notice context to help him process what may be at the root of it.**
How often do you find yourself doing what I did, and trying the same strategy over and over again to change a behaviour, but not addressing the root of the problem?
How can you practice compassion for your child and for yourself, and move forward in a new way?
I feel like I've done this a lot with different things, just doing the same thing over and over. It's like I forget that I'm allowed to try new things or do things differently when I'm in the moment, despite not feeling like what I'm doing is working. I just had to reevaluate this with the way I was responding to my toddler pushing boundaries, and I'm already feeling better about the adjustments I've made.
The best ways I know of to keep kids from getting sick in the first weeks back at school are community efforts: masking and better air filtration. If the school is open to it, a DIY corsi-rosenthal box in the classroom can help improve air quality and filter out germs, which helps everyone lower their risk of getting sick. Masking is much harder with kids, but I consistently mask in public and the only times I've been sick since 2020 are when my family members brought something home.