When the Body Says No

Tuning in to resistance

A Newsletter I Loved

Coming home to yourself in this season of settling

In this post,

Lauren Barber

is referring to the ‘not yet’ of giving life to her creativity (and daughter), but so many of her words can also help kindle curiousity around the situations, people, and other good things that we need to say “not yet” to. I think of this as I’m navigating tricky conversations with my family. I’ve had to hold some space and not go to holiday gatherings for the past year because I knew I wasn’t willing to pretend that everything was fine, nor was I ready to have the conversation yet. There were vital phases I needed to go through that weren’t always comfortable, and I couldn’t rush it either. I wonder what things you’ve had to wisely say “Not yet” to?

Throughout my life, I learned to frequently fight through my body’s resistance cues. Even when I felt tension and uncertainty in my body, if I believed that what was being offered (invitation to an event, an idea, physical touch, or an item) was objectively good for me or someone else, or just something I’m “supposed to do,” I would accept it.

It wasn’t until I was able to even notice and acknowledge that feeling in my body that I started to differentiate between when I wanted to say yes and when I needed to say no or not yet. There’s a lot of things that have caused me to override that internal resistance—people-pleasing, perfectionism, and hustling for self worth being some of them—but ultimately, at the core, I believed that following my feelings rather than logic or a set of rules was foolish. I didn’t trust in the wisdom of my deep knowing, my intuition, my inner guide.

Resistance to me often feels like a clenched fist, both physically and metaphorically

One of the beautiful and challenging aspects of becoming a parent is that it becomes nearly impossible to keep saying yes to everything you did before. Priorities need to be reoriented and boundaries held a little tighter because these little beings fill up a large part of our capacity. But more than that, I think a lot of us are building the emotional intelligence we hope to pass on to our kids and, in the process, becoming so much more aware of our deep inner knowing.

Tuning in to my ‘no’ or ‘not yet’ still pushes on narratives I’ve held about what it means to be a good person who shows up for others and works hard. I’m *still* tempted to convince myself that I’m being silly and I should ignore that feeling, like when I considered applying for a job at a childcare center in town but have a gut feeling I would clash with the director.

It’s not that resistance always requires me to say ‘no,’ (as is the case when I’m still working through behaviours that trigger me but are ultimately not harmful) but it does require that I hear what it needs before I can say yes with true freedom. The more I keep pushing through and ignoring it, the more difficult it is to authentically say yes to anything. Not to mention the super-pleasant byproduct of becoming more resentful of everything and everyone that I’m too afraid to hold boundaries with (deep sarcasm).

My resistance, my no, my boundaries will disappoint others. I’m learning that being a people-holder rather than a people-pleaser requires me to hold myself first, even the parts that make me uncomfortable.

What does resistance feel like in your body? How can you be witness to it this season?

What rituals do you practice with true excitement and joy during the holidays? Which ones bring up resistance for you?

Are there people or expectations you need to say yes to, but with boundaries? Do you believe you’ll still be loved if you hold these boundaries?